It was a day like any other. I woke up around 8am. I brushed my teeth. I checked my Instagram. Scrolling through friends with puppies, friends drinking mimosa’s, friends selfie’s, friends hiking — reminding me I haven’t worked out in four days, oh! A Miley Cyrus picture. I like to look at her photos because we are soul sisters. Me, her, and Lindsay Lohan, but let’s not get off on a tangent. Miley’s picture is yet another meme she made of her self; a beautiful sky as the back drop, with flying tacos, a turtle with fries in its shell, and a cat with pizza around its head, with Miley’s baby picture cropped to fit the face. The caption reads “MAYBE YOU SHOULD HUSTLE AS HARD AS YOU HATE.” I took a snap shot, and sent it to my friends. One of them responded with “that’s The Pizzacat tho!” and proceeded to tag me in a pizzacat photo so I could see for myself where Cyrus pulled this genius from. And there he was… Photo after photo… Inspirational message after inspirational message… The one and only — and there’s only one!.. @The_Pizzacat.
This cool cat has mean mug, sauce stain on his upper lip, and a permanent pizza around his head. In a world filled with influential leaders, like, The President, or Beyonces eyebrows, cats and dogs have tried to forge through this barrier of racism. Why are so many humans influencing small children and things when four legged animals can do the job and do it better? The people have spoken. The likes are in. The rise of @The_Pizzacat is a thing. And I had the pleasure of meeting him. Yes. I found him on twitter and begged and pleaded like a screaming Usher fan. “PIZZAAAA CAT THOUGH I NEED YOUR STORY!” The Pizzacat told me to meet him in an open corn field in Pacoima, California.
I arrived, pen and paper in hand, nervous. I sat there waiting, wondering if The Pizzacat will stand me up… He did not. He keeps his word. We say hello and I start talking.
“Hi Pizzacat. What was it like for you growing up assuming you were born with a pizza around your head?” The Pizzacat replied, “it was great. A lot of people showed respect.” I was shocked, but kept my poker face. This was a true sign of his inner strength. He hands me a pepperoni as I go on. “What do you do on your off time when you’re not flying on saucers putting bitches in their place?” The Pizzacat fired back, “I don’t ride saucers. I AM SAUCERS. I AM PIZZA.” I was about to apologize, till The Pizzacat continued with, “Pugmob squad Churro and Kurtispug Tacoturtle. Apps heavy through Pugmob. Shoutout Vogue for my features. Epic Meal Empire for signing on the dotted line. Vegas Seven Mag. Shout out to Holly Madison for always showing love. I got shirts heavy on the internet, my shirts are made through official genius pizzacatparty.com. I stack guwop, flex, finesse, i pizza, i cat.” WOW that’s a lot of plugins, Pizzacat, you go in so hard, no lube. I thanked him for sharing and filled the silence with “what’s your favorite brand of pizza? And is that what’s on your face right meow?” The Pizzacat spoke, “to the good Pizza companies come talk to me, we can make something work. To the others, STOP STEALING FROM THE PIZZACAT YOU COWARDS. Until then, I make my own pizza. Ain’t shit changed. Still pepperoni.” Still pepperoni… I pondered this for a second, in a humble bow. I believe The Pizzacat is accepting of the haters. “Speaking of stealing, would you share a slice of pizza with Grumpy Cat? How do you feel about the global infatuation with sumshy faced cats? Do you haz feelings?” The Pizzacat replied, “Grumpy Cat really admires me. A little bit of grumpy cat likes the way I smell. But guess what? Pizzacat the god.” O-Kaie… O-Kaie… “Is it hard to step out in public beclaws you’re a celebecat?” The Pizzacat replied, “it’s pretty difficult these days. I live in the Bay Area and also I was just in LA. Do you remember Michael Jackson? And how the fans would go nuts? And Justin Bieber? It’s like that only not as weak. Way better.” DAMN SON! The Pizzacat just straight KNOCKED some celebehumans off their thrones. What a cool cat! Now we’re getting real… “The Pizzacat, haz you ever dated a fan?” His response, “Married to the pizza.” Ladies and gentlemen, I do not know if this means he only dates pizza things. I was too scared to ask, so instead, I put my foot deeper in my mouth by saying “are you a boy or girl?” The Pizzacat shakes his tail, “cat.” “Got it” I say. “Since Miley Cyrus went public with her face on your body, have you invited her to a pizza party?” The Pizzacat stretched his paws out, speaking such truth. “We are very good friends and she is a huge fan and I think she is great. ‘Hey Miley hit my instagram big dog @the_pizzacat the world wants it.” Miley, if you’re reading this…
The Pizzacat looked at the sun to see what time it was. He must leave soon. “Only a few more questions, I promise” I said. “When you purr, are you saying ‘purreroni’?” The Pizzacat was momentarily confused at my human joke. He merely replied, “Who?” I snapped back “What’s your ultimate goal in life, pizza cat? Do you haz dreams?” The Pizzacat, “you can call me pizza Jesus.” Now, I’m not sure we are on the same page here as The Pizzacat’s answers are a little open to interpretation, but I think this comes with the territory of human to cat. Cats don’t waste time. They get straight to the point. No explanations.
I noticed The Pizzacat brought his CDs of raps, and I had to ask “can you freestyle right meow?” The Pizzacat got up on his hind legs, and spit “I need cheese, need it now, take a shit, it falls onto gods cloud, I’m really stayin that damn high.” I applaud him amongst the corn and stuff and things. We get up to leave. While we walk back to our perspective modes of transportation — car, and taco turtle, I say, “Pizzacat, you’ve been so wonderful. Could you please tell every artist in Hollywood, what’s the most Hollywood Positive thing you’ve been through?” The Pizzacat said, “Weed delivery in LA open late. Amazing. Pizza delivery even later.” Again, the information he’s providing is vague, and thought provoking.
I thanked The Pizzacat. I took a photo with The Pizzacat. I will never forget.
You can find him on instagram: @The_Pizzacat. Don’t forget to download the pizzacatapp so you can meet him as well. And of course, if you think you’re cool enough to join his party, you can try, www.pizzacatparty.com, or watch him on youtube, pizzacattv.